Which cames first, the music or the misery? I think I know

One of my favorite movies and novels is High Fidelity starring John Cusack and written by Nick Hornby. In this story, the main character Rob Gordon asks towards the beginning, "Which came first, the music or the misery? Am I miserable because I listen to pop music, or do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable?" Well... I wondered this myself for many years, and you know what, I think I finally know.

When I was in high school, I couldn't get enough of a band called The Ataris. I would listen to them just about everyday. My favorite album by them then, and still now, is "Blue Skies, Broken Hearts Next 12 Exits." I used to listen to this album just about daily. With songs like "Your Boyfriend Sucks" and "San Dimas High School Football Rules" and "The Last Song I Will Ever Write About a Girl." These were all songs about heartbreak and wanting to get the girl that he couldn't get. Not really songs about misery... but songs about not necessarily being happy. At that point in time I felt I could relate, like these lyrics were written for me, and this guy knew what I was feeling. And I rocked it out man, you can ask my friends, I freakin LOVED that album and that band. And there were many other bands that I would listen to that had very similar songs, "Grand Theft Auto" by Fallout Boy, the first All American Rejects album, this is also when Dashboard Confessional wasn't mainstream yet, and his lyrics were so heartbroken and miserable, that I loved listening to him. I felt like we connected every time I would listen to their songs. To finish it off, bands Matchbook Romance and Taking Back Sunday (the "Tell All Your Friends" album.) All these albums were albums I couldn't get enough of. They all had songs about not having the girl, not being happy, wanting what they couldn't have, the girl leaving, songs like that. And I connected and listened to them all the time and absolutely LOVED it. Well a funny thing happened about two months ago...

I had made a playlist of these bands and albums a long time ago, and I still liked listening to them fairly often. But about two months ago, I put this playlist on, I figured I hadn't listened to it in awhile and I was feeling nostalgic, so I played it. Well, when it came on, I realized something. I didn't really enjoy this music as emotionally as I used to. Back then, I connected, I felt the same pain, shared the same desires and had the same misery that they did... but at that point, I realized I no longer connected with the music. I'm not saying I no longer like these bands, I'm just saying I no longer have that emotional connection anymore. And the emotional connection is the biggest reason I like certain songs and bands. Like you've seen with my Butch Walker posts, or other posts about other songs on here.

Two months ago, I realized that High School Josh no longer existed. Now I know that you can't live in your past your whole life, that's not what I'm referring to. But there's a little part of you that you take with you from every stage of your life that you've ever had. Like you always have some piece of your childhood with you, or some piece of the time you served your mission (ie. Me in Cambodia), you take with you your high school drama and crushes. These are things that tend to carry with you at all times. Well, as I listened, I realized that I had actually let this person go a long time ago. High School Josh has gone somewhere else. He's no longer with me. And it's funny because he took his musical taste with him.

These days, I realize I don't listen to that music much anymore at all. Perhaps my musical tastes have grown up as I've matured... maybe. Or maybe I just no longer wanted to listen to songs about misery or heartbreak. I was happy, and I want happy music to go with it.

I'm no recently engaged and haven't listened to songs about misery since about two months ago.

In a stretch of a realization... Some people may say they knew they were ready to get married for this reason, or for that reason, whatever they are supposed to say. The typical answers. Well, I knew I wanted to get married because my fiance is the best person in the world. She's done so much for me, and I've never wanted to lose that. No one person, other than my parents, have been as wonderful to me as she has been. She's sacrificed so much for me, and that's how she shows her love. And I've loved her for a long time now. And I knew that we were wanting to get married, we talked about it often. And this was a real thing. And I was always very confident with this decision and that I knew she would be the woman I wanted to marry. But that little part of me, that High School Josh knew that it wasn't possible until I grew out of some things. And High School Josh knew long before I did that she was the one. That's why he had left so long ago, only, he never told me that he was leaving. It took me some extra time to figure it out. And that day that I played that playlist, I knew that High School Josh was gone, and that now Just Josh was on his own. Just Josh was no ready to live the rest of his life and move into the most important part of his life... marriage.

Now, am I saying that music is what told me I was ready to get married. No, of course not. But it was at that point that I definitely realized I was not miserable/unhappy anymore. I had no reason to be unhappy, I had found the one, and I was happy.

So what came first, the music or the misery? Definitely the misery. Cause when you're happy, even when you don't realize just how happy you are, you don't care for the music about misery or heartbreak anymore. Thank you John Cusack and Nick Hornby. And RIP High School Josh.